Monday, May 03, 2010

Point Blank

Shut the fuck up.
Learn to buck up.
Shut the fuck up.
—“Nugget,” by Cake

Motorized vehicles tend to make little people feel larger and stronger than they really are. And I’m not just talking about those enormous pickups driven by frustrated men who are shorter than the average eighth-grader. Even a little SUV can make a soccer mom feel invincible, especially when she’s near a bicycle instead of a monster truck driven by a dwarf.

That’s why I always like watching a motorist’s gonads shrivel when his (or her) anonymity disappears as an angry bicyclist appears at his door after he parks. I’ve seen teenage boys and angry old men suddenly grow sheepish when confronted at point-blank range after they’ve harassed me on the road.

This morning, I heard the hostile voice of a woman as I pedaled north on an industrial side street: “THERE’S A BIKE PATH ON THE OTHER SIDE!” I looked back and saw a car—with the driver’s window rolled down—pulling onto a side street. Yeah, that’s ballsy. Yell at me as you’re turning off the road to disappear, you abomidable bitch.

The greatest thing about industrial areas is light early morning traffic. It allows quick U-turns. Let’s dance, baby.

I followed her into the parking lot where she works, rolled up to her window and asked what her problem was. “There’s a bike path right over there!” she angrily said.

No, I replied, that’s a small sidewalk on the wrong side of the road, and oh, by the way, do you know what Alaska law says about bicycles on streets?

“No.”

Well, as a licensed driver, you should.

“Look, I ride a bike too,” she said, growing timid. “I was just trying to be helpful. I get nervous when I see a bike on the street.” (There goes the right ovary.)

Well, maybe you shouldn’t be driving then, because what I was doing was safe and legal, and I really don’t appreciate people copping an attitude and yelling at me from their cars. I know what I’m doing, fuck you very much.

“Look, I just thought you should know there’s a bike path,” she replied while nervously starting to close her door and raise her window. “I thought maybe you hadn’t seen it. I didn’t have an ‘attitude’ and I didn’t mean to upset you.” (Aaaaaand there goes the left ovary.)

After I spouted a few more angry words and started to roll away, her boldness began to return as the distance between us increased.

“Have an awesome day!” she called out.

Too late.

9 comments:

Joboo said...

LMFAO!!!!!! SWEETNESS ++++
people driving 3,800#+ death machines don't give two shits about us on bikes, and i'm right there with in giving it right back to them every chance i get!!!
that look they get get when you roll up after they pulled a bonehead move=priceless!!

Peace, Joboo

Vito said...

Oh! This so reminds me of a tale that I should tell. It's the story of a
"Fat Ugly Heifer Bitch". She is so lucky I didn't find her or the rusted out piece of crap van she was driving.

Titanium said...

This totally made my day. I absolutely.love that you track 'em down and make them accountable for their assholery.

Amber said...

I give this two thumbs up!!!
Oh and because it's you, a finger too.

Chris said...

Brilliant! I hate how that little metal shell with wheels makes people assholes!

funhog and fundogs said...

“Look, I ride a bike too"

They all seem to say that don't they? LOL. Its like they think that they know what they are doing because they ride a bike, too. ...eyeroll...

good for you going after her, and I like what you said "aybe you shouldn’t be driving then, because what I was doing was safe and legal,".

I love doing that too when I get the chance., and I love saying something about anger is not a family value.

anyway, Have a awesome day!

slowpoke said...

I had some fat cow in a busted up Subaru tell me the same thing this morning. The nice weather must bring them out.I have heard alot more of this kind of crap since I bought road bike and ride the streets more. Seems to be the beleif amoung motorist that if there is a side walk we are supposed to use it. Sure wish they would become better informed before they opened there mouths.By the end of summer someone may get a face full of pepper spray because I am already getting tired of it.

The Donut Guy said...

Awesome....that's why I have a large canister of bear mace attached to my stem.......I don't live anywhere near where bears live:-)

Jeff Moser said...

We did a group ride last weekend, and a lady in a big car had to slow down to pass us in the other lane. She laid on the horn and shook her fist as she passed. Seconds later, she made a left turn into her CHURCH parking lot!