It's all downhill from here

It's time for some linkage and stinkage. The Web's just too full of oddities that have to be shared, so let's just pedal to the top and shoot down the backside with no brakes, shall we?

The kind of stuff I've stumbled across for the past couple of days reminds me of that old movie in which Shelley Long — who actually thought she had the talent to be a star after leaving "Cheers," the silly girl — played a hooker who had a trick go bad one night, leaving her with a black eye. As she told the story to her friend the next morning, he said, "Man, the world is a sick place." She replied, "Yeah. Thank God."

What do you do when you're a lonely old Japanese man whose family ignores you as they shoot around on bullet trains, grope strangers on crowded subways and fly to the Grand Canyon to shoot endless video of something that's not moving? Yup, that's right. You get attention by letting air out of bicycle tires. I'd like to see a bottle of Slime stop that determined old coot.

Actually, maybe the old guy's son-in-law isn't groping strangers during his morning commute through Tokyo. Maybe he's designing trippy optical illusions while Grandpa hobbles Chiba's bike commuters.

But hey, don't get the idea that Bicycles and Icicycles is a culturally insensitive blog. If I pick on an Asian, I'll always balance the books by sending you to the morbidly fascinating site of a seriously homely white chick. A seriously homely white chick with shitty taste in sweaters and a penchant for bizarre homemade videos, I might add. I mean really, if it weren't for the fact you're reading this site, that kind of crap could make a persion seriously question the benefits of the Internet. At least this is one time you'll see a blonde girl who can really fill out a sweater and find yourself glad that her homemade video isn't porn.

The holidays are coming up, so please remember to prepare early. Don't let those little craft projects slip between the cracks and then find yourself unprepared to decorate your Christmas tree with highly absorbent ornaments. Put enough of those little babies on your tree, and when it dries out and goes up in flames, the fire department can hose it down with minimal water damage to your living room.

And speaking of the holidays, it's not too early to start shopping. Save yourself the hassle of last-minute lines by going to the toy store whis weekend and buying all your little tykes the thrill-a-minute airport security play set. That's right, teach them early to worry about guns and bombs on airplanes! Make that next flight to grandma's really fun!

For those who read my previous post about the dog attack, good news on the remorse front: I received a postal money order today from the dog's owner, and it was for $40 more than she agreed to pay for my shredded tights. Probably a cheap bribe in hopes I won't decide to sue. She included a one-line note of apology, but carefully avoided providing a return address or using a personal check that would have provided her mailing address. Maybe she doesn't realize that all I had to do was Google her name to find a phone number and the name of her business.

That's about all the damage I can inflict in a single post. I'm gettin' old. I have to pace myself.

Thanks for droppin' in. Ya'll come back now, ya here?