Since my recent accident, the ol' blog's been gettin' hits from people Googling things like "how to get Vicodin in an ER." As regular readers know, this blog is all about serving the public, so here is ...
Rev. Tim's 5-step Guide to Salvation Through Kick-ass Narcotics:
1: Obtain a bicycle. Any functional model will suffice. Just don't steal it.
2: Go outside and ride it really fast in the dark until you crash into something that stops your front wheel instantly.
3: While soaring through the air, carefully position yourself for a facial landing.
4: Proceed to your favorite emergency room.
5: Drip blood and wince when the doctor prods at your face or sticks an implement through any orifice you didn't have prior to Step 3. (Important tip: don't raise the doctor's suspicion by actually asking for the drug, just appear to be in significant pain. Better yet, actually be in significant pain—it worked for me!)
Have fun, boys and girls! Before you know it, you're gonna be a happy pile of mush on your couch!
It has been my pleasure to ensure that your accidental, drug-seeking visit to this blog was not in vain. Please proceed to the nearest exit in an orderly, near-catatonic fashion.