Taint misbehavin’

Every sport is made better when it inspires improved technology and brilliant accessories that make participation more fun. Cyclists are the fortunate recipients of one of the oddest products out there—crotch cream.

I don’t know who first walked into work one morning and said, “Hey guys, let’s market a lubricant that bike riders will buy to squirt in their pants!” but I’m glad it happened. Anyone who has ever ridden a hundred miles on a dry chamois appreciates the euphoric comfort of a crotch full of slippery comfort cream, butt butter or whatever else you’d like to call it. It’s nirvana for the nether regions.

A couple of years ago, friends who were still somewhat new to biking thought I was a weirdo for espousing the wonders of this stuff. They were squeamish about the very subject, and repulsed by the idea of shooting a load of chilly goo into their shorts before pulling them up. Every time I mentioned chamois cream, the Queen of the Middle Finger looked at me as if I were giddily describing the details of a prostate exam.

These days, not only is she convinced, but her husband waxes poetic about his favorite menthol variety. And when I recently became a “fan” of Chamois Butt’r on Facebook, she posted a comment saying, “I will never again minimize or ignore the sheer genius of this product.”

So today, Bicycles & Icicles salutes chamois creams and all who make them. To all the workers who toil in factories producing these slippery gels of joy, we say thank you from the hearts of our bottoms.