Sunday, February 10, 2008

Cycling Vocabulary

"I'm out of shape"
Translation: I ride 400 miles a week
and I haven't missed a day since
the Ford administration. I replace
my 11-tooth cog more often than
you wash your underwear.
My body fat percentage is lower
than your mortgage rate.

"I'm not into competition"
Translation: I will attack you
until you collapse into the gutter,
babbling and whimpering as if you've
been watching Celebrity Poker.
I will win the town-line sprint
even if I have to hook you into oncoming traffic.
I will crest this hill first even
if I have to grab your seat post,
spray an energy drink into your eyes
or ask you how to program my DVD player.

"I'm on my beater bike today"
Translation: I had this baby custom-made
in Tuscany using titanium blessed by the Pope.
I took it to a wind tunnel and it disappeared.
It weighs less than a popcorn fart
and costs more than a divorce.

"It's not that hilly"
Translation: This climb lasts longer
than a presidential campaign. Be
careful on the steeper sections
or you'll fall over—backward.
Oh, you have a 39x23 low gear?
Here's the name of my knee surgeon.

"You're doing great honey"
Translation: Yo, lardo, I'd like
to get home before midnight. This is
what you get for spending the winter
watching football and gobbling
sausages. I shoulda married
that cute Cat 1 when I had the chance.

"This is a no-drop ride"
Translation: I'll need an article
of your clothing. It's for the
search-and-rescue dogs.

"Aw, come on, it'll be fun"
Translation: Assuming you survive.

"It's not that far"
Yes, it is.


Anonymous said...

So its international then !
Glasgow, Scotland

Anonymous said...

Maura tells me "You're doing great Honey" quite a bit.....


PS. FYI... your site is tripping my phishing alert

Grill Meister said...

Guilty as charged. I couldn't tell you how many times prior to race I used such phrases as: "Man, I feel like crap today" or the reverse psych - "I'm right were I want to be on my training schedule, so today should seem easy" And then hope you can survive, because you really do feel like crapola.

Warren T said...

I'm still giggling... Thanks for the laugh.

WheelDancer said...

I've heard or said most of these but my favorite line is 'It weighs less than a popcorn fart and costs more than a divorce' Mastercard doesn't have a clue about priceless with a line like this!

Anonymous said...

"It's not that far" See Tim I have been telling you the truth all along..........

Tim said...

I forgot to add that extra "Manny line."

"This trail opens up after just a short distance."

Translation: You'll be pushing your bike through deep snow until you're past the point of homicidal thoughts.

(And it'll seem short compared with this weekend's Susitna 100!)