Thursday, August 23, 2007

I need a girl

I've spent a fair amount of time riding in the rain this week, and it has renewed my appreciation for the old fenders I recently put on the commuter bike. I had forgotten how much they can make wet rides reasonably enjoyable.

OK, part of me still feels like I should have my glasses taped together over the bridge of my nose when I ride with those things on my bike but, hell, they're just so damned practical that I don't care.

Still, I'd like to be a macho bike geek and bond with my brothers on the road. You know, real men, like truck drivers. Those guys with big belt buckles and even bigger bellies. The kind of guys who eat a lot of cholesterol and have old Army tattoos. The kind of guys who drink beer from cans and proudly have Dale Earnhardt's "3" carved into the hair on their backs.

This is my dream. Don't judge me. I want a mudflap girl.

See, my fenders actually have little rubber mudflaps, yet I lack the manly accoutrement of a chrome-plated babe with bodacious ta-tas to decorate my steed as I cruise the open roads of this Great Land.

The problem is, she can't be more than a couple of inches wide. I've always liked short women, but this is ridiculous. Someone, somewhere must know where I can find a tiny metal babe to place on the back of my manly mudflaps. Help me, fine readers. If you know where this treasured item can be acquired, you must tell me of such a place. Money is no object, as long as it's cheap.

One day soon, people will observe me riding to work in my flourescent yellow jacket and funny pants, and then they will see my mudflaps and know what kind of rough character they're dealing with.


Jeff Moser said...


Drew said...

Take it to the next level! Laminate one of your beaver pictures and rivet the photo to the mud flaps! That would be cool!

Smudgemo said...

Beat me to it, Jeff. I just saw that mudflap yesterday when I was building up a cruiser in my mind.

Anonymous said...

What next, an "Alaska Girls Kick Ass" bumper sticker? They're cheap - $5 bucks...

Tim said...

Jeff, thanks for the tip. Those flaps are out of stock at the moment, but I'll keep an eye on them. I'd really like to find one without the Electra nameplate at the bottom, if possible.

I mean, a guy who drives a Peterbilt wouldn't use Kenworth mudflaps, right? (Huh, huh, huh. I wrote "Peterbilt.")

And no, Anonymous, I can't put a bumper sticker on a bike. I don't have a bumper. Besides, I'm a guy. Why would I want that sticker?

Besides, those stickers tend to be seen on pickups driven by women who go to country music bars and drink too much Coors Light before going home with snowmachiners and North Slope workers.

A mudflap girl, by contrast, screams, "I have class!"

Anonymous said...

Nor did you have mud flaps until recently. So, a logical escalation for you would be: mud flaps, bumpers, and a bra to keep the bugs off... Besides, the bra would be a great compliment the pink arm warmers. It was the pink arm warmers that allowed you to get so close to the "The Wet Beaver" wasn't it?

Tim said...

Oh, shit! I've pissed off a Sloper with that crack about truck-driving girls and Coors Light!

And speaking of bras, I did recently buy a couple. They lift, separate and keep bugs off my beautiful bikes as they ride high and proud on the roof rack.

SD_pedalpower said...

Let see.

Big belt buckle - check, sometimes mounted to my rear bag. see below.

Big belly - check

Eats lots of cholestrol - check

Old Army tatoos - USMC, but check

Fenders - check

What do I win? - Nothing but, I'm a bike riding hillbilly. See below

Tim said...

Hillbilly warrior bling — sweet!

Eero said...


Get your hands on a mudflap girl.
Photocopy her, but shrink her to the size you need.
Cut her out from the paper.
Cut open a beer can. (Yes, if you want to be a tough guy, make it a beer can---no soda cans.)
Stick the cut out girl on the silver inside, outline her with a permanent marker, cut her out with scissors.
Stick it on your bike fender.
Maybe you could just staple it on.....or super glue it....or?

I have an art degree.
Gotta get creative, you know?
Good luck.

Tim said...

Eero, that's ingenius! I just might have to give that a try next weekend.

Heather said...

My Dear, you will never be accepted into this brotherhood of men so long as you are willing to use words such as 'accoutrement' so perfectly well. You'd better just stick to taped glasses and plain fenders. It's for your safety, really. They'd eat you alive faster than you could say propitious, especially given your affection for arm warmers and thongs.

Jeff Moser said...

Hmmm. She's got a point, Tim.

"Accoutrement" and "bodacious ta-tas" in the same sentence...

-30 points.

Tim said...

C'mon, minus 30 points? I should get points for using them together because bodacious ta-tas are accoutrements.

Next time I see Heather, I'm going to use the French pronunciation accoutray-ma instead of accoutre-mints, because that will be a propitious moment for pedantry. (She thinks I'm just a dumb bike rider, so I have to step it up every now and then.)

Anonymous said...

slope worker & snow-machiner?
wonder if the guv drinks coors lite...
- r & j

Tim said...

Well, I have found myself wondering if Sarah is the type of chick, er, I mean governor, that has a lower-back tattoo.

She seems a little too classy, but she is from Wasilla, after all.

Anonymous said...

I saw the exact piece you are looking for at a store.

It is not listed on their web page, but it was hanging on one of the display walls.


The Old Bag said...

I know I'm late to this party, but