Sunday, July 20, 2008

Huber busted in cheating scandal

Already plagued by doping allegations at this year's Tour de France, the cycling world was dealt another disheartening blow this weekend when a cheating scandal erupted in Anchorage.

Exclusive photographs released to Bicycles & Icicles revealed that "Skeeter" Huber (shown at right in this picture) used illegal tactics late Saturday night during an unsanctioned race to finish off a watered-down and rapidly warming margarita. Digital images clearly show Huber pinching his straw, thereby forcing his opponent to unknowingly ingest a larger portion of alcohol on the eve of a big ride. No decision has yet been announced regarding Huber's possible disqualification from future margarita races.

BikeMonkee Garcia, Huber's competitor in the event, was unavailable for comment Sunday. He was believed to be suffering from alcohol-related dehydration during a lengthy training ride somewhere in the Chugach National Forest on the Kenai Peninsula.

A witness to Saturday night's event, who agreed to make a public statement under the cover name "Big Karma," said he was appalled when he later reviewed his photographs and realized that Huber had cheated against a fellow rider and teammate on the up-and-coming Uranus Titans cycling team.

"I never thought I'd say this," Karma said. "But I watched Huber pinch one off. It was really disgusting. Given his usual intake of white-trash margaritas, it's hard to believe he was suddenly interested in restricting his alcohol intake. It appeared to be a malicious attempt to inflict suffering on the Monkee.

"And they had looked so cute sharing a drink with two straws like that. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel now. It's just so disappointing to see such a special moment tainted by cheating.

"I'll tell ya one thing," Karma said. "Next time I make that dude a few margaritas, he's gonna get a double dose of tequila without even knowing it. By Sunday afternoon, the men's room at iHop will be a biohazard zone."

11 comments:

Julie said...

BikeMonkee has made it safely back from the Kenai, but not without threatening to hurl on the Soggy Bottom course several times. He kept saying, "My insides hurt."... but I never thought it was Huber who could have done this to him.

Tim said...

Dude! I think you need to go back to detective school. As a graduate of the ACME School of Dectectivisication it's obvious to anyone that owns a Sherlock Holmes style magnifying glass that you got it all wrong. It isn't Huber "pinching one off". If you look closely you can tell by the bulging veins in Bike Monkee's neck and intense look, that he is sucking so hard that he is collapsing Huberman's straw, which he is desperately holding tight to keep it from being sucked up in the Black Hole of Bike Monkee's straw.

the old bag said...

You KNOW that whomever brought out those straws could have pre-squeezed Huber's straw in attempt to throw the race.

Chain-of-custody, man! You can't know the truth until you've verified the chain-of-custody.

Tim said...

Oooh, good point, Tim. I hadn't thought of that.

And TOB: Shhhhh. Don't rock the boat, lady. (The chain of custody was ... well, me.)

Marla...O.A.F. with altitude said...

Oh the "pinching one off" refers to the straw! Now I get it;)

The Victim said...

Mr Huber's tactics have caused everyone much pain and disillusionment but no one more-so than myself. That final margarita left my incapable of driving myself to the trailhead the next day...unforunately someone else was capable. I did not puke on the climb but only thru sheer force of will. Finding the good in this scandal: it should only solidify Mr Huber's obligation to the Sloppy Tube Top relay team.

Mr. Huber said...

In previous White Trash Margarita events, the organizer had supplied all contestants with the best fast food drinking straw available (McDonald’s - please review independent research at http://semperjase.com/?m=200806). As you can see from the picture taken by the organizer, the straws being used are absent the signature red & yellow stripes typically found on McDonald’s straws. Given the quality of the straw (or lack thereof), as well as the quality of the tequila (Jose Cuervo doubles as paint thinner), it is no wonder that the straw “pinched off” during the event.

Mr. Organizer, what do you have to say for yourself?

I hope the pink arm warmers you purchased with the money you saved was worth it!!!

Tim said...

Jesus Christ on a pogo stick, you're blaming the equipment?! What's next, Tyler, the "vanishing twin" defense?

BikeMonkee clearly had no problem with the straws, which were of a smaller diameter and stronger material than those provided at previous events. Further, you raised no objections about the straws at the time of the competition; you resorted to such tactics only after testing positive for EPO (Excessive Pinching Off).

As for the quality of the tequila, well, you get what you pay for, and I'm a well-documented cheap-ass, as your Orca-riding girlfriend has loudly pointed out. To paraphrase Mike Tyson: You knew my reputation; if you didn't want to get screwed, why'd you come up to my room?

The camera doesn't lie. (At least not this time.) You've been shamed and disgraced, Huber. The only way you can possibly be redeemed is to sacrifice yourself at the Soggy Bottom 100.

Heather Macomber said...

Okay - WTF? Just b/c you're jealous of my bike doesn't mean you need to pull me into the fray. But since you did, I will feel free to comment.

Your attempt to divert attention from your responsibility with Johnny Cochrane-esque techniques will not prevail here. Clearly, not only the equipment is to blame, but even more so, the Host. What kind of sick, demented, nutter forces two grown men to share a straw to suck down the last of the margaritas for the evening, just so he can take a photo of it? Enjoying those pink arm warmers, are you?

Fortunately, Mr. Host, I know your brain-injured psyche well enough that I'm able to understand your true intent...this was all a setup to satisfy your sadistic sense of justice. Going with your name of "karma," I think your sub-conscious goal was retaliation against the innocent Mr. Huber for your own very frequent overindulgences at his very elegant dinner parties.

As for the Mike Tyson comment...shame on you. Everyone's ears were clearly intact at the end of the evening. That is what you were referring to, right?

Bitch, I told you.
Orca Girl

Tim said...

Nutter? You called me a nutter?

Blimey, I'll just have to set down my cup of tea and interrupt my reading of the London Telegraph for a moment!

I didn't start the competition to finish off the margarita, I simply realized it was happening, shot a few frames, and thanked my lucky stars they hadn't stripped to their skivvies and started sparring like like a couple of mascara-wearing gladiators.

For god's sake, woman, the blinds were open, and I have to live in this neighborhood!

And read up on your Mike Tyson history, girlfriend. My reference was to his rape case, not his cannibalism case. (Though I admit it's hard to keep up with his felony rap sheet.)

Jeez, you'd think the girlfriend of a unrepentant cheater would be more familiar with thugs!

Amber said...

I think the excessive EPO was because the wrong glass was used. He was not using the coveted flashing glass. If this were used the EPO wouldn't have been used and that margarita would've never been warm in the first place.

Not that I'm pointing fingers at anyone nor am I defending anyone. I'm just saying.