Friday, January 08, 2010

Goin’ to the powder room

Alaska is a chilly place, which means that, sometimes, chamois cream just isn’t a pleasant option—even in summer. Like when you camp out the night before a ride. Northern nights are cold. As in see-your-breath cold.

Unless you happen to sleep with a tube of Chamois Butt’r in your bag, the pre-ride application can get gruesome. Stuffing a big gob of ice-cold goo up the ol’ eerie canal first thing in the morning is enough to make you curse your own ancestors, not to mention the friends who are standing around telling you to hurry your ass up.

And on longer winter rides, anything moist will eventually feel cold and clammy against your skin. Fortunately, I recently happened upon a solution: Anti Monkey Butt powder. Shoot some of this shit in your shorts, and you’ll be warm and fuzzy for hours.

Besides being a warm, dry alternative to creams, this stuff is flat-out manly. They sell it in six-packs for cryin’ out loud! And they market it to macho dudes like fat-ass truck drivers (and those are guys with posteriors that spend a lot of time in sweaty, pressure-filled situations). Check out this info from the company web site: “Anti Monkey Butt Powder is specially formulated to absorb excess sweat and reduce frictional skin irritation. It is ideal for butt-busting activities such as truck driving, motorcycling, bicycling, horseback riding, and extreme sports.”

If you’re not manly, you can even buy a version for babies, or Lady Anti Monkey Butt, a “satiny smooth powder to minimize the frictional discomfort that women often experience when using exercise equipment, running, driving, cycling or just walking.” They say it reduces friction on your inner thighs, but if those babies are rubbin’ up against each other when you try to walk, I don’t really want to know.

Either way, this stuff is cheap and easy to find. Apparently, it’s even sold in hardware stores—which is especially nice if you’re shy about buying butt products and want to discreetly slip some into a big pile of tools, drywall anchors and electrical tape when you go to the cash register.

This is good stuff. But you don’t have to take my word for it. You can read testimonials on the company web site. For example, there’s a woman who picked up a canister at Walmart and was thrilled to find that it “stops that awful sweaty feeling that comes along with living here in S.E. Texas.”

When you need an expert on assholes, you can always count on someone who lives in Texas.


Joboo said...

"When you need an expert on assholes, you can always count on someone who lives in Texas."

HAAA HAAA................... I just feel off my chair!!!!
Damn fine comment!! LMFAO

the monkey works for me here in northern Mn.
Nothing better, this is no testy ;) whatcamacalliit, but I live in Mn. Not texass. ;)~


Jeff Moser said...

You have a great theme going for January!

Sounds like a great product. I may have to shoot some of that shit into my shorts sometime.

Steve said...

I enjoyed these two posts.

Given the amount of product placement on blogs these days, a disclosure statement might be helpful so we know this isn't greased with under the table (below the belt in this case?) payments.

Tim said...

Gack! Despite disturbing anyone who reads these comments, Steve, you raise a good point. Unfortunately, those hosers didn't give me a single puff of the magic powder -- my wife bought it for someone else, then I stole it, fair and square.

So the AMB folks got a free endorsement in return for being the butt of my sophomoric humor.

As for a January theme, I think that's it. Unless I manage to pull something else out of my ass, I'm all out of butt-care products ideas.

Vito said...

I kind of like the "Butter Ball Turkey" feel that Butt Butter provides. Plus, it has worked great for me. The powder seems like a great option without that chilling affect of cream.

Since your focus lately has been on the posterior portion of a cyclists anatomy you have forgotten one other product that I would be interested in hearing about...DZ Nuts!

Just a thought.

HarmonyCreekBrewery said...

Great post, but really you don't even need to wear cycling shorts with a pad. Just grab a pair of merino boxers and regular shorts or pants with perhaps some long undies and free yourself

Vito said...

True about the bike shorts in winter. I've given up on them. Long underwear and windproof fleece pants.

But I sure do protect my bottom any other time of year.

Unknown said...

Baby powder works wonders also...soft and sensitive enough for a baby and conviently packaged in small travel bottles for the bicycle rider!